In the future, axes will become art…

Today we have another entry into the “I traveled to the future and all I got was this lousy “I got beat by a wussy futuristic ugly stick” t-shirt…” category:

Futuristic Oval Axe

Futuristic Oval Axe

Yeah. A futuristic axe. Uh huh. And not just a futuristic but a futuristic oval axe… Oooohh, Aaaaahhh… Pthththh… Yep. Where to start… Ah, yes. With the head. Or whatever it is.

As axes go, well… it’s… something. It’s got an “oval” axe head, very much reminiscent of a traditional double bit axe, except with an ovoid blade, some weird cut outs and some funky trim. But despite it’s double edged appearance, it’s hard to tell whether this design was intended to be single or double edged, as the rear edge is shrouded by the pivot arm.

Yes. You read correctly. I said “pivot arm”. Why? because this axe head is mounted not to a shaft, but to a rotating arm, via a single central bolt. Why? Well, so that it can pivot down to one side of the shaft, of course. Why the pivot functionality? Errrmmm… Well… I dunno.

Maybe to enable it to be used as a replacement prosthetic arm for a battle bot? A small Transformer maybe? In fact, now that I think about it, I’d be willing to bet this whole design concept was a Decepticons doing… Sneaky bots, them… But I digress.

So this pivot arm is then mounted to the nifty, ergonomic looking grip, via a similar single pivot bolt arrangement. Having not had the pleasure of handling this, I can’t comment as to the efficacy of the locking mechanism, but based on the visible mechanics, I’m not particularly optimistic about it’s mechanical strength.

However not content with that iffyness, this grip has two added ovoid blades (more crescent shaped actually), one at the top, just beneath the head, above the pivot point, and one at the pommel, with the bottom one attached with yet more pivot bolt madness.

I have actually run into this design on several occasions over the years. And I can finally give voice to the thought that ran through my head every time I saw it:

WHAT THE…!!?!?

Why that particular response? Well, here’s my thing. In my admittedly neurotic mind, axes have traditionally been the brawn of the blade world. Big solid heavy heads, strong shafts, strong utility edge grinds, etc. They are not about finesse. When you swing an axe, it’s supposed to be with authority.

With this “futuristic” design, if you were to ever swing it, not only would you have to worry about the pivot locking mechanism holding, but also the fact that the whole thing is held together by two relatively puny bolts.

A locking mechanism and/or bolts that might gain an intense aversion to such treatment and decide to just pack it in and go home. Without the customary two weeks notice. Yeah. With something like this I wouldn’t be comfortable swinging it with any more authority than a chihuahua barking at a hungry Rottweiler.

That’s not to say I entirely dislike it. I like the talon-like shape of the grip blades. And notwithstanding the gimping of the rear edge with the cutouts and shrouding and whatnot, the head has some decent aesthetics.

And though I could do without it, I really don’t mind the over-the-top pseudo futuristic garbage people keep cranking out. (I mean seriously, from these excessively busy designs you’d think the designers think our future generations will all suffer from a serious global epidemic of ADD… Wait… Whut?)

But sometimes the sheer level of functional dysfunction I see in some of these designs really makes me wonder whether it’s really that hard for people to make functionally feasible and mechanically sound art. Perhaps I ask too much. Maybe I’m just an obsessive compulsive pedant who likes to rant about stupid blades. Perhaps I’m just insane.

It’s probably all of the above…

Futuristic Oval Axe thingy – [Anime Castle]


16 Responses to “In the future, axes will become art…”

  1. 1 Niccolo
    September 4, 2008 at 3:09 am

    It’s simple, Phyre. This blade be a suicide-axe.

    But you’re right, it is quite a nice axe – save for the whole pivot thing. More of a cyberpunk setting than one’s traditional medieval England, but if I ever need to fight off hordes of drunken robots I know just which weapon I’d wanna use.

    Not this, since it’d be folded up on my belt along with the collapsible sword.

  2. 2 gothog
    September 4, 2008 at 12:24 pm

    Hmmm, I think this fits very nicely in the fantasy category. I admit I share the same stereotype of an axe. It should be swung with power and not worrying if the head is going to stay where it should be.

  3. 3 ladyofspiders
    September 4, 2008 at 1:40 pm

    Wait! That is suppose to an axe? And to think when I saw it, I thought it was a high-tech futuristic wrench for spaceship repair and maintince.

  4. September 4, 2008 at 9:41 pm

    You may be onto something there… you know, swing it with an overhead chop, it hits something (let’s say a goose down pillow), and the blade promptly folds back, swinging the whole thing back into ones head… It’s genius!!

    Indeed. In fact I think this one of the first axes i’ve seen that was designed with a built-in weakness…

    LOL Yeah actually it looks like it would be better suited for that duty… A futuristic monkey wrench.. 😀

  5. 5 MoZZA
    September 5, 2008 at 5:32 am

    ahhhh its the weapon of the evil alien cigarette ends from uranus’ slave bots!

    but still its useless and crap construction….. WE NEED MORE FUNCTION!

  6. September 6, 2008 at 12:25 am

    There you go spouting stuff from uranus again… 😛

  7. 7 MoZZA
    September 6, 2008 at 2:55 pm

    nice lil’ pun there bruv LOL

  8. 9 MoZZA
    September 7, 2008 at 7:03 am

    i still think this axe couldnt do as much damage as a sweaty balrogs gym sock

  9. September 8, 2008 at 12:42 am

    Well one of these days we may actually find out ’cause I plan to start going to a gym at some point in the near future…

  10. 11 MoZZA
    September 8, 2008 at 12:31 pm

    yeah the armchair weapon critic goin to the gym…

  11. 12 Crosseyes
    September 12, 2008 at 11:21 pm

    Yea lol, I can’t stop laughing at the mental image of a frail guy going to a gym having 12 well hidden daggers in gym shorts and a beater… lol.

    Anyways, I’d have to side with Ms. Spiders here, if this thing doesn’t find a niche in blade combat, It should try out for a position in giant auto repair. Although, I would be very interested in seeing this in person, just to gawk at the motion of those AXEls (axe-ls, get it? axe and … well, neverminde)

    breakTimeNow = False;

  12. September 13, 2008 at 4:24 am

    LOL I might be pushing the envelope with the Gym thing eh? You’re probably right… I don’t think they have Balrog insurance… Melted dumbells and stuff probably isn’t covered… 😀

    Frail guy? Did you not see Lord of the Rings? Did that Balrog look frail to you? OK, so I may not be as big as my other brethren but come on now, gimme some credit… ROFL…!! 😛

  13. 14 MoZZA
    September 13, 2008 at 6:25 am

    …. i wonder how a balrog perspires (?)

  14. 15 beanjavert
    November 13, 2008 at 9:27 pm

    God, I hate this thing so much.

  15. December 8, 2008 at 5:20 am

    We do not perspire… We smoulder… 😀

    LOL Well I don’t think it likes us very much either… 🙂

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