Another Useless Fantasy “Bowie”…

OK, So it may seem like I’ve been on a consistent critical rant the last few posts but… Well… Aww, who am I kidding. I am on a ranting rampage. I keep running into all of this crazy steel sculptures masquerading as blades of some sort.

And here is the the inspiration for todays rant:

Darkness Power Bowie

Darkness Power Bowie

[click image to view full size]

Ahhh yes… A bowie of darkness and power…


Normally I’d be all about nitpicking all of the reasons why this is not really a knife at all, and has more in common with a metal sculpture, but hopefully it should be obvious to all of you why…

On second thought, I’m going to spell it out anyway, for any new readers…

First of all, <Arnie voice> “This is naht uh BOWEE… IT’S NAHT AH BOWEE!! </Arnie voice> Nope. I dunno what it is… But it’s just not a bowie knife. Unless someone updated the knife design rulebook and didn’t send me the memo. And if any of you are about to say “No, no, no, you don’t understand, it’s a FANTASY bowie!”, STOP! Before you even finish the thought, I want you to slap yourself. Twice. In the face. With a slab of raw steak.

No, even better, use a frozen side of beef. Three times. Yes. Like that. Feel better? Good. Because I really don’t feel like talking about the kinds of things I dream about doing to the idiots who come up with all of these “fantasy” versions of real weapons that have no relationship WHATSOEVER with the real weapons in question, besides having an edge. At least not today. Just believe me. This is not a bowie knife.

But that, in and of itself, is not my biggest peeve with this thing. My thing, first and foremost, is that a blade is designed to be USED. At least in my paradigm of the universe. And, on any blade, it’s grip, or handle, is the part of the weapon/tool that is intended specifically to allow any sharp implement to be used. Preferably without the wielder sacrificing a digit, (or two, or maybe even three) every time they wield/use it.

Now tell me, kind readers, what do we have here for a grip? I’ll tell you. On this thing, where there should be a nice, roughly cylindrical grip, preferably with wooden scales or some other similarly hospitable gripping surface, we have… a skeletal hand. Huh. Yeah. Nooosiree… There will be no wielding of this nifty little art piece, unless you like shaking hands with the long departed, but recently exhumed. To each his or her own, I guess… But that kinda stuff really doesn’t do it for me.

I suppose I might be being a little harsh. After all, this is clearly not intended to be any kind of functional blade… But I can hear, in my head, the cries of honest hardworking bowie knives the world over… And I assure you, they are all thoroughly insulted to have this hoity toity piece of worthless steel disrespectfully lumped in the same category with them…

Darkness Power Bowie… Hrrmph. I’ve got your darkness power right here…

Darkness Power Bowie – [eBladeStore]


14 Responses to “Another Useless Fantasy “Bowie”…”

  1. 1 ladyofspiders
    August 27, 2008 at 12:59 am

    Ahh but you forget, they used the magic word “fantasy” anything can be anything as long as you put fantasy in front of it.

    On another note, even if it is not meant to be funtional, I truly do not understand what the appeal would be to owning all these useless blades.

  2. August 27, 2008 at 11:07 pm

    NOOOO!! NOT YOU!!! Don’t say such things!! It’s Blasphemy!! 🙂

    So far as why people would get this, Well it’s art. Art for arts sake I guess… To each their own…

  3. 3 gothog
    August 28, 2008 at 6:37 pm

    Ok, so as far as phyre’s rant goes, all of what he said is legitimate. However, there is an effective style to wield this weapon despite the fact that it takes serious commitment to learn. Very simply put, the ONLY way to use this blade is difficult to describe, and the ultimate fact is that not only does this blade have a practical use, it is unfortunately not an effective one, if people would like i can try to describe how one would go about wielding this however i honestly think phyre is right and that this weapon is best left rusting on a shelf

  4. August 28, 2008 at 9:54 pm

    OK, gothog, you got me on this one. I cannot think of a single possible style that could get around the limitations imposed by that freakish hand…

    But please do take a shot at describing it, you’ve piqued my curiosity…

  5. 5 gothog
    August 28, 2008 at 10:26 pm

    ok, so it is an odd style, but it has been known to work in a few instances. hold the handle the only way you could do so safely, which is to say by literally holding it’s hand which would inherently cause the blade to be in an upright position poised for slashing, the stance would resemble fencing style though with the difference being that in this case stabbing is by far out of the question as the sharpened side of the blade will be pointed toward your body. I’m a huge fan of this style when it’s done properly, though there are few people that are willing to try and even fewer who are able to pull it off. The biggest downfall to such a style would be the fact that you’re forced to hold the handle very close to the blade which means, obviously if you catch a blow with that bowie your almost always screwed, avoiding a strike is always the best way to fight though not all strikes are avoidable.

  6. August 29, 2008 at 6:22 pm

    I honestly don’t think that would work. The problem with this design is much larger than you might imagine. A grip requires a specific shape in order for anyone to be able to apply any kind of leverage with the blade. Even a slightly off sized or shaped grip and throw off your grip on the weapon. When a grip is too wide, or improperly shaped, you will never be able to get a firm grip on the blade, no matter how you hold it. And this one is a double whammy in that department.

    This is both too wide and asymmetrically shaped. And, as if that wasn’t bad enough, the farther away from the blade you go, and wider (in two dimensions no less) it gets. Which means that if you attempt to overcome your lack of grip using brute strength, your hand will naturally want to slide down into the guard blades… No fun there…

    This same complication actually worsens if you were to try a cut with it, because it will try to rotate one of those guard blades into your fingers… And I can only imagine what the result would be if you tried to stab someone with the grip you just described. No, I don’t think this is a usable blade, no matter how you slice it. Unless you slice that hand off and put a real grip on it. And even then it still won’t be a bowie… 😛

  7. 7 gothog
    August 29, 2008 at 6:52 pm

    I’ll give you that. I’m just saying that it can be done, not saying it should be done. In all reality , using a loose grip on this handle would be wise, I’m tempted to go and buy this so I can find out for myself if I could in fact use it. I’m curious as to the weight and balance of the knife. If I do end up doing so, I’ll post the results of my findings.

  8. August 30, 2008 at 1:38 pm

    Sure it can be done. But here’s my thing. I can easily come up with a theoretical possible grip and use for *every* blade that I have blogged about. But it means jack squat to me if they aren’t straightforward, practical, efficient and useful.

    If I have to jump through hoops in order to make a blade work for me, with no additional benefit or for no other reason than to try and make it work, then from my point of view, it is useless as a tool/weapon. That’s kind of the whole point of this blog.

    So let’s please stick to the practical, effective and useful aspects of these designs. I generally bring them up only to point out any specific reasons I can see for why they are impractical, and I think it’s kind of a waste of time to argue the practical functionality of a something that was clearly not designed to be used as such…

  9. 9 gothog
    August 30, 2008 at 3:08 pm

    fair enough, I wasn’t going to argue this point, but bear in mind that you did ask me to.

  10. 10 ladyofspiders
    August 30, 2008 at 7:44 pm

    Haha don’t worry, I was being sarcastic

  11. 11 gothog
    August 31, 2008 at 2:18 am

    my post was more intended for phyre, I find it insulting that one would ask for my experience but then completely reject it as “theoretical”. though I suppose I overreact, everyone is entitled to their opinions, and being as this blog is about practicality and not experimental I shouldn’t have continued to post.

  12. August 31, 2008 at 4:15 pm


    Please understand that I am not trying to belittle or insult you or your opinions in any way.

    However you posted that you knew of an *effective* way to wield this. And, believing that you may have thought of something I had not, I did ask you to describe it. I was disappointed with what you described, as it will be risky at best. Neither of us have to hold it in our hands to realize this. You knew this, and your admission, in your subsequent comment, that it was not something that should be done was verification of that knowledge.

    But knowing full well that this blog is focused on reality, practicality, efficiency, you still felt the need to say you knew of an effective way to wield it, when there is none. Possible, yes. But not effective, and more importantly, not even safe. I felt that you had lied to both my readers and I on that point. I am fully capable of telling the difference between a bad weapon and a good one, but some of my readers are not, so I tend take these things very seriously.

    That is where I am coming from. If you find that insulting, I would suggest that your pride is getting in the way of your better judgment. This why “Leave your pride at the door” is one of my rules. (Make sure you read them) More often than not those who call themselves “experts” tend to also have easily bruised egos, and will challenge basic common sense if it means having to swallow their pride. That rule is a warning. I do not expect anyone to agree with me just to save my ego, and I will not do the same for anyone else.

    I often disagree with others, and fully expect people to disagree with me. I do not like to be wrong, but if someone makes a valid point, I will concede. However, I abhor being lied to, and I WILL call you on it. If you feel I have only insulted you further, I am sorry. It is not my intent at all. I would still like to hear your thoughts on my posts, however if you no longer feel like visiting my blog, I will understand.

  13. 13 gothog
    September 1, 2008 at 3:36 pm

    I understand completely. I have to point out, I did say it is much easier to show someone how to use the style I had described. I still hold the opinion that this blade could be wielded effectively in the right hands, I simply lack the ability to describe such a form in words. I’m sure you know a well as I that any form of knife fighting or any other form of fighting is all about feel. I probably should have stated that earlier to avoid such a misunderstanding. I do admit that I couldn’t use this blade personally, which is why I had stated that I would like to purchase this blade to attempt to master such a way that would cause this blade to be a lethal weapon as opposed to an ornate hood ornament. I will refrain from trying to explain something that I cannot as I realize it only causes everyone grief.

  14. September 3, 2008 at 11:27 pm

    Alright Gothog,

    So long as we are in agreement on that, I think we will be cool…

    Also for future reference, (this is for everyone, not targeted at you alone, since this happens more than you might realize) please remember that there is a difference between “I know” and “I think”. If you say “I know” something, I’m going to assume that it is not some hypothetical thing or theoretical technique that you now need to test out, but is something you have done, or have seen done, and you can actually describe/demonstrate it.

    Believe it or not, I am very good at visualizing these kind of things. If it can be done, you should be able to explain it to me. It does no one any good to even mention it otherwise. Read (and remember) Rule #5. Opinion and fact are not the same. Just because you *think* it can be done does not mean it *can*. Hopefully this will help all avoid such issues in the future…

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